I never actually questioned euthanasia as an option until Lucky started to become more ill. I always thought euthanasia was for the best, it ended pro-longed suffering and helped an animal be free of the pain and misery they may be in. It's a way to release the soul and help the spirit heal from the weights and harms of the human world.
However- Lucky has made me question my entire way of thinking on that stance. For the last year, he has done nothing but fight for his life. He's still fighting to this very moment. His eyes are filled with tears, his body frail, his fur ruffled. I know in my mind it's time to put him down, the last few days have been tough on him- his body is ready to be done.
As I wiped him down with a wet cloth to try to make him feel better, he started purring at me. His tear filled eyes looked at me with love and appreciation, something I didn't see often from him in his prime years. He gently laid his head back down onto his paws and continued to purr, enjoying the feeling of the cloth cleaning his fur. I couldn't help but start to cry.
How could I put him down, when he has such a strong will to live? I've never even seen a person fight so hard for their life, as he fights for his. His body is done, but he isn't. Looking at him my heart aches and I wonder, is it really right to "kill" someone who is terminally ill when they have such a strong will to go on? Now don't get me wrong, if he was obviously in pain and suffering I wouldn't think twice about getting him put down- but when he looks at me I can see his emotion in his eyes. He wants to live. The fight is still in him, as strong as ever.
It's been a very difficult last few days. Never in my life have I thought about mortality in this way. Never have I questioned whether it is right to put an animal which is seemingly apparent to leave this world soon down. I've decided on Friday. It's been a tough last couple of days. I feel like I'm betraying him by doing this, but it's something that may need to be done... The last thing I want is for him to suffer or hold on because he thinks he has to. His frail body makes me cry every time I look at him- which begs the question, would I put him down for myself or for him?
Otherwise I found out today that Pikachew doesn't actually have a UTI, he has a kidney stone. So here's how the story went-
Less than a week ago I brought Pika into the vet because he had star ted to pee blood. I was of course concerned, but figured it was probably just a UTI. The vets did an exam as well as a blood test and urinalysis. They diagnosed him with a UTI as well and gave him a shot of Convenia- which much to my dismay I learned has many bad side effects much later.
Today he was trying to urinate quite frequently, but seemingly struggling. I saw him plop down on the floor exhausted after getting in and out of the litterbox four or five times within ten minutes. I decided it was time to call the vet again and see what was up. I was immediately asked to bring him back in for a re-check.
An hour later I got a call from the vet saying that they would likely need to do a blood test and an x-ray to make sure there weren't any blockages, and they told me that they could feel a lump. I told them to go ahead and do it. So now I'm at a grand total of $350 in the last week for these two vet visits. These were basically the same tests plus an x-ray.
There were a couple of options. He could have a kidney infection, crystals, or a blockage. The result was none of the above. He has a kidney stone. I don't know if you've ever had to pay to get a kidney stone removed from an animal before, but if you have you will know that just the thought of the dollar amount will make you cry.
Slowly she started listing off each individual thing they would need to do and what it would cost. $60 for the anestetic. $160 for the fluids and what was needed to keep him under anestesia. $500 for the surgery. $80 a night for the vet stay. Up and up the price went. I felt my heart slowly starting to sink, my mind didn't quite add up what the actual cost was going to be. I thought, it has to be between $700 and $1,000 right? So I asked, "What's the total amount going to be?" The girl answers back, "Umm.. well, it'll probably be anywhere between $1,700 and $2,500 depending on what all needs done."
I think my heart actually stopped for a minute. Now keep in mind I work at Toys R Us and make $8.31 an hour, part time only. I'm lucky to get $250 every two weeks.
I love my babies, and I'm going to do whatever I can to keep them going as long as I can. I can't lose Pikachew simply because I don't have enough money to pay for a vet visit. It's an expensive vet visit, but a vet visit none the less.
I feel sick. Unfortunately at this point I'm just head-achey and all cried out. Now to go work eight hours tomorrow. Thank God I'm actually getting a decent amount of hours this week, now if only I can sneak in a couple of days next week that I'm not on the schedule for.